Last week I read a post in one of my favorite forums and some kid was going on about himself and said he had the "Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man thing going on". I didn't think about that again until yesterday when I saw a dude with a ponytail and had to admit, that he was NOT Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man. He was more like Mr. Hippie for Life. It got me to thinking about all the times I had grown my hair long and all the different types of guys that do.
Here are a few that came to mind:
This guy grew his hair long because he had an uncle who owned a Harley - or he saw that movie Mask with Cher in the 80's and though he was really Sam Elliot waiting to be discovered. Ponytail is often gray and at times is accompanied by bangs and or a moustache.
There are basically 2 kinds of Mr. Music and they both hate each other. They are, the Rocker and Wolfgang. The Rocker still cuts his hair exactly like Brett Michaels from Poison. Wolfgang grew his hair out in college while taking classical piano and considers himself to be a modern day Mozart. The Rocker is attractive to women who were 18 in 1988 and Mozart makes goth girls all wet but quietly so he will never know. Not ever.
Mr. Big Kahuna
Was a surfer or rock climber at one point. Maybe skateboarder. Somewhere he was known for being great at his "sport" and grew his hair out as part of his mythology. Now all the dudes who know him have moved on but he's still wearing his collection of hula shirts. Usually has sideburns and possibly a soul patch.
Dyes his hair black. Is balding. Wears it in a low knotted ponytail which reveals the white scalp beside his widows peak. Used to tell people he was Wiccan before Goth took over. Wishes he was young for Goth but wasn't. An avid reader he has spectacles and doesn't know that young Goth girls admire him.
Mr. Mullet thinks he has long hair but he doesn't. It's only like 2 inches long in the back but he uses mouse to put a little altitude up top. Mr. Mullet wears a moustache almost perpetually. Also has wears an earing in his left ear because in the 70's it meant you were gay to wear one in the right ear and he never forgets this. Loves his sleeveless denim shirt.
Backpacked across Tibet. His hair is sun bleached and the ends are frayed and tattered. He is dark and muscled and frowns. He's broken bread with people of different culture, probably eaten bugs, slept at 12 thousand feet above sea level. He is an absolutely fascinating addition to a dinner party or social event; particularly if you can get him dressed up - but he has nothing but contempt for you and your overweight suv lifestyle.
Mr. Me Too
Knew someone growing up who was one of the above mentioned personalities and grew his hair out thinking it would make him akin. The upshot of Mr. Me Too is that if he keeps it up, he will get his wish.
And finally, Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man
His dad was an English teacher. He has a moustache and glasses and a widows peak where the bald spots recede past his ears. His ponytail is a lifelong staple; he will never cut it, die it or donate it to "locks of love". He has a collection of old hardcover classics such as "Wuthering Heights" and "The Collective Works of Emily Dickinson". He actually has read quite a few. He has ZERO shame about his feminine decorating style and could not do 10 pushups but doesn’t' t see where that matters. He is a fumbling lover but an excellent if too liberal parent. Thinks he looks like John Lennon.
To conclude I offer that most men with long hair think they are one of the above mentioned types, but are really another. Also most of these types are pretty sure that they have chosen for themselves their ideal "look" but in the end, more women want to bang Mr. Tarzan than all of the other types combined.
Note: Mr. Tarzan is virtually impossible to impersonate. For too long anyway.