Proteon

Blogging sucks ass

2005-10-04T11:54:00.000-07:00

My "blog" phase is complete.

I came, I cleaned it up and now I'm bored. I am amazed that millions of people haven't found my lame homework type write ups essential reading. Charlize Theron sucks people. So what she looked awful in that oscar winning movie. Look at her in the Aeon Flux suit for the love of Anime.

In the end the love you take is equal to all the attention you demanded in life minus the good things you did divided by the anticipation of reward.

That means, we all die.

Comments? Oh no I don't think so!

Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man

2005-09-27T09:05:00.000-07:00

Last week I read a post in one of my favorite forums and some kid was going on about himself and said he had the "Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man thing going on". I didn't think about that again until yesterday when I saw a dude with a ponytail and had to admit, that he was NOT Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man. He was more like Mr. Hippie for Life. It got me to thinking about all the times I had grown my hair long and all the different types of guys that do.

Here are a few that came to mind:

Mr. Motorcycle
This guy grew his hair long because he had an uncle who owned a Harley - or he saw that movie Mask with Cher in the 80's and though he was really Sam Elliot waiting to be discovered. Ponytail is often gray and at times is accompanied by bangs and or a moustache.

Mr. Music
There are basically 2 kinds of Mr. Music and they both hate each other. They are, the Rocker and Wolfgang. The Rocker still cuts his hair exactly like Brett Michaels from Poison. Wolfgang grew his hair out in college while taking classical piano and considers himself to be a modern day Mozart. The Rocker is attractive to women who were 18 in 1988 and Mozart makes goth girls all wet but quietly so he will never know. Not ever.

Mr. Big Kahuna
Was a surfer or rock climber at one point. Maybe skateboarder. Somewhere he was known for being great at his "sport" and grew his hair out as part of his mythology. Now all the dudes who know him have moved on but he's still wearing his collection of hula shirts. Usually has sideburns and possibly a soul patch.

Mr. Mystical
Dyes his hair black. Is balding. Wears it in a low knotted ponytail which reveals the white scalp beside his widows peak. Used to tell people he was Wiccan before Goth took over. Wishes he was young for Goth but wasn't. An avid reader he has spectacles and doesn't know that young Goth girls admire him.

Mr. Mullet
Mr. Mullet thinks he has long hair but he doesn't. It's only like 2 inches long in the back but he uses mouse to put a little altitude up top. Mr. Mullet wears a moustache almost perpetually. Also has wears an earing in his left ear because in the 70's it meant you were gay to wear one in the right ear and he never forgets this. Loves his sleeveless denim shirt.

Mr. Tarzan
Backpacked across Tibet. His hair is sun bleached and the ends are frayed and tattered. He is dark and muscled and frowns. He's broken bread with people of different culture, probably eaten bugs, slept at 12 thousand feet above sea level. He is an absolutely fascinating addition to a dinner party or social event; particularly if you can get him dressed up - but he has nothing but contempt for you and your overweight suv lifestyle.

Mr. Me Too
Knew someone growing up who was one of the above mentioned personalities and grew his hair out thinking it would make him akin. The upshot of Mr. Me Too is that if he keeps it up, he will get his wish.

And finally, Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man
His dad was an English teacher. He has a moustache and glasses and a widows peak where the bald spots recede past his ears. His ponytail is a lifelong staple; he will never cut it, die it or donate it to "locks of love". He has a collection of old hardcover classics such as "Wuthering Heights" and "The Collective Works of Emily Dickinson". He actually has read quite a few. He has ZERO shame about his feminine decorating style and could not do 10 pushups but doesn’t' t see where that matters. He is a fumbling lover but an excellent if too liberal parent. Thinks he looks like John Lennon.

To conclude I offer that most men with long hair think they are one of the above mentioned types, but are really another. Also most of these types are pretty sure that they have chosen for themselves their ideal "look" but in the end, more women want to bang Mr. Tarzan than all of the other types combined.
Note: Mr. Tarzan is virtually impossible to impersonate. For too long anyway.

Charlize as Aeon

2005-09-22T07:04:00.000-07:00

Long before she won an oscar for looking heinous, I always thought there was something amiss with Charlize Theron. Maybe because I knew so many guys who were so enamored by her but couldn't name a movie she was in. Remember that one with Johnny Depp - "The Astronauts Wife"? Yeah, me neither. The below photo says everything about her being cast as Aeon Flux.
The woman pictured below crawling across the prairie in her black jazzercise suite looks like she is filming a Pilate video. She wants you to work it! I understand they've got Tara Reid to play Wonderwoman in the upcoming flick by Joss Whedon. She narrowly beat out Paris Hilton who just narrowly beat out Lindsay Lohan. "Hey why equate an oscar winner with fucking Paris Hilton?" I'll tell you why - because they both leave the same impression on me. Toothy before cameras. Aeon Flux should have been played by Famke Jensen.

ABC backs out on makeover, sister commits suicide; contestant sues

2005-09-19T11:10:00.000-07:00

Here it is:

http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/347520p-296543c.html

Now I can't get a good look at that photo, and I can't find another, but she seems cute enough to me in a midwestern kind of way. It was important of "journalist" Michelle Caruso" to pen "tiny boobs". I feel bad but for the love of God people - if ABC is selling you self esteem...

A) I think she's cute, B) she's married so someone wasn't put off by her hideous monstrosity of a face, C) they have two kids so she's no 40 year old virgin and D) between the husband and two kids, that = a family which = 3 people who love this woman.

There are plenty of women out there who both think of themselves as attractive and are given the same impression by society but who are not married, have no children and are on the very verge of suicide because they are so lonely.

This story is so messed up I don't know who to side with. So I'll side with the husband who probably endured his own form of defeat once he realized that marrying her and offering her his support and wiener for the rest of his life didn't help quell her fear of being homely. Who is never going to hear the end of this from the guys at work and who will be neither consolation nor consoled when it comes to the suicide of his sister in law. Talk about marrying in.

This is horsebarn hill.

2005-09-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

Near Uconn - Storrs, CT. It's a beautiful little lump o earth at the east edge of campus where the agricultural department raises horsies, cows and piggies. In the winter it is the place to sled. At night in the summer it is a great place to smoke medicinal marijuana and look at the stars.

Why Hollywood is losing it's shirt

2005-09-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems fairly straightforward to me.

It's becoming fashionable to hate celebrities. This mentality comes and goes but I dont' think it's a stretch to say that if you spend all morning watching Russel Crowe leave a building handcuffed and scowling having clocked a hotel lackey with a phone, your probably not going to blow the afternoon off to go see his new movie. And let's be clear: if Russel Crowe raps a hotel clerk upside the head, you sure as hell are going to hear about it. Or Tom Cruise, boy oh boy isn't he wacko! We are encouraged to hate them as people and then admonished for not dishing out big bucks to see them on the big screen.

But if that isn't reasonable, I offer this:

Movie with three friends plus popcorn at the theater = 80 bucks: movie with six friends plus popcorn and beer at home = 20 bucks.

NOTE: about the fashion of hating celebrities; this trend begins and ends with D list celebrities such as self described Kathy Griffin and soon to be talk show host David Spade who are truly counting on your proclivity to loathe Nicole Kidman. I say ends because long after nobody cares, Kathy Griffin will still hate Nicole Kidman and she won't understand why you don't.

Two million used sweaters won't help Katrina survivors

2005-09-08T15:14:00.000-07:00

Monday Sep 5th as the worlds eyes were being jacked open wider and wider as the horror of New Orleans unfolded, I had the gut feeling that I should do something. Not as an American citizen exactly, but as a dude watching this hell unfold on TV. I could pack up water in my car and go down there. It would take days though as I live thousands of miles away but I want to do something. I know - I can send food - go buy some stuff and ship it to... or clothes - I have clothes I can donate. The greatest irony of this disaster begins to sink in: there are a staggering number of people who need help and there are an overwhelming number of folks who would help if they could. But putting 2 and 2 together will not be so easy.

In the immediate face of the horror of Katrina's wake, the speed with which entrepreneurial types cranked out items for sale in the name of "Katrina Relief" was record breaking. Today, 10 days after the hurricane, eBay has 4,813 auctions related to hurricane "relief". The first few on the list in the order that they appear are: "Antique beveled glass ceiling tin - KATRINA AID", "Bubbles fish Beanie Baby", "big bead mix" (a bag of beads, a small hand full really, with 15 minutes to go is at 70 dollars). There are Red Cross logos on some of these auctions. Text explains that "proceeds will go" to the Red Cross but having sold stuff on eBay I wonder exactly what reason do I have to believe this person isn't keeping the money? Frankly, I have no reason.

Anyway the sweaters. People want to help. They also want to be relieved of the pressure to do something. In the days after the hurricane I worried that your average American, desperate to help, would do one of three things: hop in a car and drive to New Orleans with water and food, well intended, and plug up major highways and other arteries that "legitimate" rescue efforts would need, 2) go to eBay and spend 100 bucks on a bag of beads that are "from" New Orleans and feel smug receiving them that they'd helped or 3) rifle through their cupboard and drawers for canned goods and old sweaters. I fear all three of these things only hinder actual relief efforts. Perhaps the number one way to help is to donate to either the Red Cross or to actually join the National Guard. I don't know. I see trailer trucks backing up to the Astrodome, driven by kind hearted folks from around the country - trailer trucks full of moth eaten sweaters and canned corn and hideous used sneakers. I don't know that this will help. In fact I don't think it will. What we need is a kind of civil preparedness where your average person is keenly aware of what they have to contribute and what won't help.

As I write this I want to make it clear: I do not know what I can do to help but I have some ideas as what not to do.

http://www.redcross.org/

Dear Mr. Vice President

2005-09-07T05:49:00.000-07:00

Go fuck yourself.

Looky here:

http://ww.dailykos.com/storyonly/2005/9/8/123441/6549

A hurricane survivor tells him to go fuck himself. You'll note that the video of this event no longer exists. Damage control I guess. Anyway I think it would be great to spam him with real touchable - bagable post cards with the three word phrase that history will remember him by (you'll perhaps recall Mr. Cheney issued this same proclamation in the summer of 2004 to Sen. Patrick J. Leahy on, as we understand it, the Senate floor.

A year or so later

2005-09-06T11:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary, Bush got re-elected but the Red Sox won the World Series. Coincidence? Oh but I think not. Now New Orleans has just become our new 9/11. Foxnews calls it "America's Challenge" which is so optimistic (in Big Business the word "problem" is often substituted for "opportunity" but even these types avoid such hollow optimism when the "problem" pertains to restaurant service). I doubt history will record this absolute nightmare as "America's Challenge 05". If I learned anything from 9/11 it's this - tragedies of this nature unfold and unfold and unfold and unfold. Right now at a store near you some scumbag has bought a bunch of hurricane bracelets on eBay and is horking them to you at 4 bucks a pop for "Hurricane Relief." As if that same scumbag is ever going to flip a penny of that money to a legitimate charitable organization. (I almost linked an eBay auction for these bracelets in bulk but since I haven't posted in a year the link will be dead before even I revisit it). How much money has changed hands this week because of "Hurricane Relief" - now how much of that money will make it's way to Hurricane Relief? If I had to guess I'd say it's under 10%. Then next year we can persecute those who weren't involved but who, bedraggled of their own means rushed down to the disaster area and got themselves included. Many dollars have been spent to figure out exactly who was and who wasn't really affected by 9/11. Then the panel to review what went wrong - a panel suggested yesterday by Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton, and a mere 24 hours later was picked up by, well you know who, Bush. They are saying Dick Cheney is going to survey New Orleans. Somewhere he is grunting and saying "I didn't sign up for this shit." I seemed to recall creating this space way back when I was less annoyed by the wildfire of the word "blog" which might just as aesthetically been spelled "blawg" or "bl-hog". At first it seemed a great idea - something for everyone. Then during last years "election" I realized the blooper - everybody seems equal. Which brings to mind my favorite Marge Simpson quote - "I guess one person can really make a difference, but most of the time they probably shouldn't." Where once we had news websites we now have what to me seem to be famous refrigerators with articles pinned to them - ones where hundreds of thousands of people crowd around arguing over whether Bush is the antichrist or the Second Coming. Earlier this year political know it all Arianna Huffington launched what right wingers dubbed "the liberal drudgereport" and though they laughed even on launch day, it seems to have taken off beyond anyone's expectations. Anyone that is, except the 458th person to leave a "comment" in one of Ariannas articles. This person, and alas every third poster, addresses their thoughtful input to Arianna herself as if she has time to read 92 pages of Bush war under the headline "National Guard moves into New Orleans" before she reads the next 92 pages of same under "Refugees still in New Orleans." So as it turns out, everybody has a voice. Everybody has an opinion. Most folks seem to think they have some unique voice and or opinion and godamnit, some actually do. I wasted a month or so last year hip deep in hate (around this time last year - GOD was it that long ago that the DNC and RNC were held?!!) before I realized that a) I am a complete moron when it comes to politics, b) there are so truly well studied folks out there who will likely never get taken seriously and c) there are alot of morons like me screaming inanities over those in group C. You're still reading. So a year after setting this up I have decided that for the vast majority of us, a Blog is a "Dear Diary" written somewhere far from where we live - on a wall with spray paint for others to read and add to. It's a cry for help and a desperate plea for attention. I can't come up with anything better than that. It isn't, however, as most people think, anonymous. It's true lack of anonymity is why I would never in my wildest dreams subscribe to an online dating service though I believe these sites have probably gotten plenty of frustrated lonely folks laid after hopeful and chagrin phone talk and nerve wracking flights - heart racing taxi rides to motels. Sure people might meet their "soul mate" on soulmate.com but well, you'll pardon me for rolling my eyes. The last thing on Earth I need is to have the lady at the coffee shop near my house say to me one cloudy Wednesday morning "hey - didn't I see your picture on desperation.net last night?" while I do everything in my power to not exist. The possible nightmares in my mind outweigh the thousand dollar weekend, miserable flight and nervous sex in a hotel room in Lincoln, Nebraska. Shout out to my homies in Lincoln! Whazzap!?

Friday Friday Friday

2004-06-04T07:39:00.000-07:00

Oh man I can't wait to get the hell out of here today.